December 10, 2016 I married the sweetest soul my heart has ever known. It was a *perfect* winter day. A balmy 14 degrees with the most beautiful, light snow falling softly from the sky as we exited the church following our ceremony. The kind of light snow that doesn't ruin your hair when it lands on it (& as a bride wearing her hair down on her wedding day, this is very important.) There isn't much more you can ask for in a winter wedding...snow!
As I sit here writing this post, I'm thinking back on that day and those beautiful memories that will last a lifetime. The stolen, knowing glances with my groom. Our closest family and friends standing next to us, supporting us. Our dream day that came to life. Only 365 days into our marriage, I don't pretend to know everything - but here are some humbling, valuable lessons we've learned thus far.
1. Marriage isn't hard. (Stay with me on this one) You get asked this question a lot during your first year of marriage - "how are things going? is it hard?" I don't typically go into depth about this when people ask, so I'll share it here. Marriage isn't hard - life is hard. Work. Maintaining relationships and friendships. Upkeep on a home. Committing to your workouts. Making time for yourself to decompress. Finding moments for passion projects. Managing finances. Those things are hard. Those things take up space in your schedule and in your mind. These things can be stressors in our day-to-day life that can in turn, put stress on marriage. I think many people get these confused, thinking the challenge is with your partner and with your marriage, but if we stop to look at what the source of those stressors are, we can get some clarity as to what the real challenge is.
2. It's not a competition. I'm competitive. My husband is competitive. He's very good at reminding me that we are not in competition with each other. Who took out the trash last time, cleaned the bathroom, cooked dinner, who did more around the house...that doesn't matter. If I'm being real, which I hope to always be on this platform, this is challenging for me. My husband hands down does more than me. Yet I'm somehow always finding ways to make it known when I feel I've done more. I'm still working on this. Thanks for your patience, C.
3. Time spent together doesn't necessarily mean quality time. I'm kind of cheating on this one, because I realized this soon after we moved in together (about 4 months before our wedding) but it still holds true today. Things change when you move in together. You're used to driving to see each other, making more plans since you're not living in the same space. When you move in with each other, you're together...All.The.Time. However, sitting next to each other on the couch watching TV is not quality time. Me reading in the corner and my husband working in the other is not quality time. We learned quickly that we had to be more intentional about our time. Despite being together more, we had to make it a point to still have those times to connect, talk to each other, keep doing the things we loved to do before we lived in the same space and were so much more easily accessible to each other.
4. It's okay to take space. My husband and I both really need and value time spent alone. We both recharge from taking this space. It's not uncommon to have an evening in our house where he heads downstairs and I stay upstairs. For some people this may not be 'normal' but for us, it's necessary. I'm a firm believer in doing the things that fuel your soul, that help you be the best person you can, that help you feel whole. For us, that's time to ourselves. To reflect on our day. To read or write. Or to just simply BE. By honoring the space we both need for ourselves, we're able to be a better partner for each other.
5. Maintaining other relationships. I often tell people that marriage is the best because you have a built-in best friend. There's nothing better than waking up and your person being right there. Ready to take on the day with you - coffee, a run, adventures in the city. It's so easy to fall into this routine where your time spent is only with each other. Relationships are important to both of us and this year we've really learned that prioritizing that time with friends, siblings, parents, outside of the time we spend just the two of us is crucial. Meaningful connection outside of the two of us is something we believe helps us maintain a strong foundation in our marriage.
A few more:
- Individual goal setting is just as important as joint goal setting.
- You have to choose each other, every day.
- Share and divide responsibilities.
- Some days you're not going to be a good spouse, and that's okay.
- Calmer heads prevail (This is for me...I'm working on it. My Irish flares up too often).
- You're on the same team.
{There's so much to share, I may have to do another post at a later date. Would you guys be interested in that?}
Marriage is by far the most substantial thing I've done in life to date, but as one of my older sisters has joked, there is definitely a learning curve. We've learned a lot in these 365 days. We've grown, we've cried, we've laughed and most importantly we've LOVED.
I can't wait to spend the rest of my life learning alongside you, Christopher. I love you.
"There was nothing worth sharing like the love that let us share our name."
XO,
Molly
